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1. But women and children, in the context of child custody and support systems, end up in extremely unfortunate and unfair situations far more often. When I could just as easily say, Its so easy for men to disappear after a pregnancy and never give financial support to their child.. Men dont have those choices if they dont want the child. April 9, 2012, 12:08 pm. Cold, but I suppose not unheard of. It's good that he's being a responsible father already by supporting them financially. Men abandon and fail to pay for children constantly. And thats a double entendr. April 9, 2012, 5:13 pm. Heres how I interpreted it. Ever. After 2 months, I initiated for a comeback. evanscr05 This is about a pregnancy thats two weeks in. Or maybe you feel like youre trapped between a rock and a hard place. Which is not true. How many times have we read articles like that and think to ourselves couldnt you have just left the baby with family or at the hospital rather than kill it.. But you were split up for 2 months and cant bear to live without each other yet he didnt waste any time jumping into bed with someone he barely knows? It's been really painful for me. Every relationship ends in death or a breakup, so this is not unusual. I get from the tone of your letter that you are bitter. Also, he seems willing to abide by the laws. Look you can either take what the LW wrote in the letter to be a marginally accurate representation of what is going on or why bother reading and commenting at all? Yes? April 9, 2012, 6:54 pm. reader, Lisa Belize+, writes (22 September 2009): A April 9, 2012, 5:52 pm, Sounds to me like your sister isnt so much unlucky, but a liar. Hell, I dont even know the lady in question, and I can tell that shell be a lousy mother, too. My takeaway from this is that men should never have sex unless theyre sterile or want to have children, and even then they should never have sex unless they plan to never have sex with a different person in the future because there is absolutely no way to avoid all sexually transmitted diseases aside from the complete lack of sexual contact. Youre right Leroy- the really crazy, dramatic ones are the minority and I tend to ignore them as well. landygirl What is he supposed to do to prove hes not scum? And, yes, he should be taking precautions against STDs because even if he never gets back with the LW, is he going to remain celibate for the rest of his life? I love the argument that the women receiving child support are just sipping margaritas all day while getting mani/pedis on this income. Everyone I know, including myself, that is not ready to have a child uses a condom or doubles up on protection, or makes sure that the pill is taken on damn regular basis. are you creating multiple accounts to like your own comments? I dont know how Im going to feel about this baby malarky. I do not think he has a duty to be there for the child he never wanted and made it known he did not want to have with time to do something about it. Apparently the LW couldnt trap him either since they broke up. Heres a thought experiment for you: Youve never used malarky in any prior comment, so I just dont believe you. Why do you assume everything is so laid back though? A pregnancy, especially an unplanned one with no real relationship behind it is not a reason to stay together. Most guys will not pass up good sex and they . April 9, 2012, 5:57 pm. Ive seen malarky thrown around quite a bit in this thread. I agree that condoms provide significantly better protection than not wearing anything. Susie is pregnant with Jimmys child. I kept waiting for someone to say this. Of all the methods, IV drug use is the most effective. And we dont really know that she actually said shes on the pill or if she is indeed really pregnant or if the lw truly wants him to go off and marry the other woman. but he does not have the option to opt out entirely, which is something the pregnant woman can do. So give yourself the time you need to work through this experience. A lottery win implies she is loaded and set for life. You know, if he was tricked its not surprising that he would say these things. I think this man, regardless his quality of character in other situations, demonstrates good foresight in deciding that no, hes not ready to be a father. It doesnt make sense. I told him I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. You have no opinion in this matter. Get tested for an std too because your love obviously did not use a condom. Your boyfriend made his choice when he had unprotected sex. Its a two way street guys. If he was the kinda guy that decided he wanted to be in his childs life every 5 years when it was convenient and made promises that he never kept and lost interest after a while, that would be seriously damaging to that childs sense of self-worth. Rachelgrace53 (i.e. He wants to get back with the LW (again, apparently) He made his position very clear very early on. Given the particularities and context of any particular situation, there is a lot of unfairness to go around. (And a hint- if your boyfriend is as much of a mess as this letter makes him seem, its not- no matter how much of a mess you are). Email usyour questions for Dr. Sherry now and be sure to include Ask Dr. Sherry in the subject line. The last 15 girlfriend jokes It's bro's before hoes, not bro's over your girlfriend. April 9, 2012, 5:14 pm. Like I said, step back and evaluate this situation as if you were an outsider. lets_be_honest Has she tried to convince him to come back to her? Steve Kellmeyer Again, no. Im currently going through a rough breakup with my partner of nearly 9 years, and if this happened to me two months from now I would be having angry, irrational emotions too. iseeshiny bittergaymark SweetsAndBeats This is when we see rebound relationships. What a laugh. Fuck yes, he shouldnt have a choice in that. If women insist on compelling child support from the man, then dont whine if society insists that women support the child until birth. That is lie fed to naive girlfriends/wives. John Rohan I dont think that this necessarily has to end you, but I would think long and hard about continuing to be involved with a 40 year old man who is unable to take responsibility for his actions. They are calling him a scum for not taking any responsibility for happened, and they are calling the LW names for acting like her BF is a saint, and had nothing to do with making this baby. April 9, 2012, 8:29 pm. Yea, it does sound even more ridiculous today. Its been done and will continue to be done, as long as accidents, divorce, and death happen. And how can you be mad at the woman? His response to my comment was all dont tell me what to do with my body. Wellyeah. He says he'll do it after the first trimester as the girl's pregnancy is prone to miscarriage. Friends of mine who were raised largely by their mothers but had to deal with their irresponsible, alcoholic fathers who dropped in and out of their lives whenever it pleased them did far more emotional damage to their children than my lack of having a father did to me. We met up again and my family grew fond of him finally. what if you were pregnant, LW scenario thats been mentioned). He has a requirement to the mother of his child as well. Dont ever sleep with someone mean or stupid, because if you get pregnant, youre going to be tied to that person for the rest of your childs life. And I was like, Ewww, Mom, thats gross! But it was great advice, and Ive always followed it. But early on, this is not an inevitable outcome, and if only one person wants the child, the other should be able to not be obligated. If the man doesnt, apparently you feel that he should not have that option. Can I just say that would bother me a lot. Who are we talking about now? 6napkinburger My opinion is that we all know that it can happen whether youre on birth control or not. I dont believe in forcing people to become parents either. MOA, and wash your hands of the whole thing. April 10, 2012, 9:40 pm. Besides the fact that child support is rarely enough to actually support yourself and your child. Only it is the LW who seems intent on absolving the boyfriend from all responsibility saying furious. I just feel sorry for the pregnant girl. Women have figured that game out, and it sucks. Does that suck for some individuals who didnt want it in the first place? Bless your heart. ReginaRey Like condoms until you actually know you can trust them. And its not because either sex is evil or worse than the other. iseeshiny We decided to get back together as we cant bear life without each other. I believe I saw the C-word used at least once. Now, I suppose, you could argue that my gay friends are more careful because death is probably a bigger inconvenience that a child you dont want and most likely wont really give a flying fuck about anyway But no, seriously Apparently many straight people are just too dumb to use a condom correctly. I think hes scum because hes furious with the girl he impregnated. Then how does the woman get off requiring the man to do it? April 10, 2012, 7:07 pm. Dee S. Advocate You are feeling particularly aggressive or bold. Then the day we got back from this amazing vacation, he broke up with me through email! Am I being selfish if I tell him not to go to the doctors appts and be in the labor room? The dude having sex is not my issue. Year 1970. Its very unfair. Yep. This gets to the basic conflict. Or until we decide to start a family.. Now this is really petty, but I'm planning to post a picture of me and my boyfriend for her to see. It pays and so do the provider of the sperm. April 9, 2012, 12:39 pm. Im guessing thats where most of us got the idea that he was trying to push it on her. I still think the guy is an irresponsible dick, and the LW is acting like a brat, but I dont want to make any assumptions about his activities post the LW when we actually have zero information about it. Its a difficult question. No, but both partners have to accept the fact that having sex means that pregnancy might occur. If you know you absolutely dont want kids, do everything you can to prevent them. I wish there was some way he could have prevented himself from ejaculating into a woman if only there was some way he could have arranged that some way for him to have control over his reproductive material or the choice of woman or the choice to ejaculate at all if only the poor man no choice in the matter AT ALL At this point, she doesnt even know for certain that the woman is pregnant or that its his child. Its a crappy scenarios but shit happens, and theres really nothing YOU can do about it. This is the set up for some serious melodrama. You have no say whatsoever in this situation. If that means not being with your boyfriend for the next 9 months to a year, then so be it (I dont think youll die without him). Theyre the exact same situation, but for some reason, hes scum. Glad to see youve really listened to fellow commentators, reflection on their contributions carefully and made a meaningful contribution to the DW community. Im pretty surprised by some of the stances shes made on this thread and I do enjoy and almost always agree with her comments. Welp, he didnt run after you, and instead he ran to another woman for comfort and now she is pregnant. Sure. That is pretty much it. April 10, 2012, 7:06 pm. April 9, 2012, 12:24 pm. Not that she had the audacity to get pregnant after sex but for keeping the baby. Susie and Jimmy find themselves in the same predicament only Jimmy is thrilled because hes enlisting and being deployed overseas. Yeah, I believe that means he must be., I believe the definition of an immature asshole is a 40-year-old man who wont own up to his responsibility to be a father to the baby he had equal part in creating.. Nope, none of it matters. lets_be_honest I told him to stay with her and have this family as I dont want to be any cause for them breaking up, but he told me there was no way he was staying with her because he cant stand her. This guy sounds like scum. You see being nurturing as a weakness. The last time I checked it took more than one person to make a baby. It is my biggest pet peeve when a woman blames the other woman for her boyfriends stupid actions. Be a grownup, decide if this relationship is worth the less perfect, more dramatic parts, and act accordingly. Fyrebyrd2 Not your body, not your choice. Its not a complex procedure. Regardless of the law which I think is enforced far more often than not it seems wrong to me to argue that men have no control over whether a child is born but are legally bound to pay child support, whereas women can end the pregnancy or put the child up for adoption. It's like she's a completely different person. Funny, he only came back to you after he found out the other girl was pregnant. I think that is a pretty bad guess with how this guys attitude is towards things, and how badley he wants nothing to do with the child. Or until we decide to start a family., By that logic, virtually every dude on the planet is an idiot. We do live in a world where your opinion on one thing may not in fact be the most correct or perhaps their might even be two sides, both reasonable and rational positions to take. The point you bring up here is why I cant wrap my head around one night stands. Consider that this child should be the most important thing in his life, more important than you. I recommend you seek individual therapy and process your feelings. He sounds wholly unlikable so I think its doubtful she wants anything to do with him, especially now. Blowjobs are a practice in breath holding and gag reflex control, and my jaw ends up hurting pretty badly if I do it for long enough. When I was on the pill, my ex boyfriend STILL used condoms to make sure it was safe. THERE IS NO CHILD AT CONCEPTION. Clearly it is horribly wrong to lie about that but thats not the argument here. Reading your letter, you sound really immature and not ready to be kn a relationship with a man that has a child. As a child who was raised by my mother and saw neither hair nor hide of my biological father, who diligently paid child support, Ive turned out for the better. If there was a child at conception, abortion would be murder. Is it 100% fair to men or women? If you were driving your car, and looked down at the time, and hit the child would you ask the parents of that child to not report you to the police, because its also there fault for letting there child run in to the street? Well, hey, point out the flaws in what I said, then. I know plenty of women who are exemplary parents. When he chose to bust a nut in a stranger he took on that risk. Stop insulting her and learn to see the situation for what it really is. Im not saying it doesnt happen, but I find it hard to believe that people who dont take care dont get pregnant and every unwanted pregnancy is always the product of birth control failure. Furthermore, what adult man refuses to have a relationship wit a child he conceived. Ill give you a hint it turns into a baby. The system you propose that if conception is not by mistake and if the man does not decide early on that he doesnt want to be responsible, then he should be obligated to that child is the craziness system ever. John Rohan Courts are loath to do anything but joint custody unless one of the parents is an absolute idiot. Its HERS, but it does not properly belong to either one of the men. lets_be_honest Sometimes the contribution of a father who doesnt want to be a father is far worse than the lack of father. And it will need a mother and a father. Ill bet if LW gets pregnant, this guy is gone just about instantly. Calling the women here honey is pretty condescending, Steve. Consider that this man is 40 years old, but still immature. Oops, it took so long that I thought my post was lost in space. He does have a responsibility towards this baby, whether he likes it or not. Changing the facts and then arguing them is just as useless as creating facts and arguing those whether you admit to it or not. While I am pro-choice, I would never have an abortion. We decided to get back together as we cant bear life without each other. I agree with SweetsandBeets. LADIES he could stand her. April 10, 2012, 10:20 pm. But I just don't know anymore. I always try to take what the LW says at face value though, and a lot of times I turn out to be very wrong when the updates come around, but I still always think its better to react to what they said not what I think they said. Im not so sure why he isnt allowed to be angry at her decision to keep the baby. If you are so against men having to pay for a child they dont want that was nonetheless created by their penis couldnt you make this issue a hell of a lot easier by just telling your male friends to wrap it up? Yep. But by that same logic, you must be prepared to call a woman who doesnt want to be a mom a scumbag for getting an abortion (in the instances the guy wants to keep it but that woman doesnt). Im an okder Dude but thats what we used to do. I dont think you are right to try to make him stay with her. Adoptive parents are as capable as any others of deciding that having a child isnt right for them, that they werent as prepared for it as they thought, and that the child isnt really theirs, and theyre as likely to have other major negative events in their lives as anyone. Susie can do what she wants but he wants nothing to do with it. Medications interfere with birth control, not taking it at the same time and whole other host of reason why she could have legitimately gotten pregnant on birth control. No matter how many precautions you take, if a pregnancy occurs you have to accept that its because of what you did and accept full responsibility for your actions. Crazy likes crazy. And hes a bigger idiot if he doesnt think hes responsible for whats happening to him now. I dont think you have the maturity to deal with this sort of complexity so I would peace out for the sake of everyone involved, especially the baby. Life is unfair. Chopper jump on another severe cold day with the right hand exposed to activate the reserve chute. Womans body, womans choice, womans child, NEVER is it the mans child. ColorsOfTheWind makes excellent points, and I agree; however, Id quibble with the phrase grown-up problems. I had no idea. Scolding him for indiscretion doesnt do anything its not his OR her fault that their personalities clash. Your FAMILY can be the most important thing in your life not just your children. April 10, 2012, 8:46 am, he does not have the option to opt out entirely. And I would believe him that he has no interest in her other than convenience. Oh, good lord. Lots of it. Abortion is incompatible with compelled child support. That should have been the end of it. They way the *LW* is painting the picture here of how she and her bf are treating the unborn child is unfair to the child and is why people are reacting the way they are. A LW comment would at least help me to believe its valid. The obligation would fall solely on the mother. Adoption is a completely different matter. Steve, I dont think you should waste your energy getting so fired up about this. You bolster my case by agreeing that he can share responsibility with the mother or simply provide support but he does not have the option to opt out entirely, which is something the pregnant woman can do. On the other hand, once Im in a committed and loving relationship, I like giving blow jobs, even though I dont have any physical satisfaction from it. But you have to take a deep breath and be an adult about it, seriously. Honestly, I did grow up craving a strong male presence in my life and have always gravitated towards male professors or bosses who wee willing to play the role of mentor. I just picture this LW with only tiny chunks of her brain left rattling around in her head as she sputters out this completely illogical rubbish (malarky). Im late to this, but WHAT THE FUCK. make sure you use back up protection! Um hello, hes 40 years old, he knows how babies are made. If he cant afford the child support, get away from him as he will be an emotional and financial drain. thats just dumb. Shed be less of a real woman if she left the kid on its fathers doorstep and went off footloose and fancy-free while he was left to raise it all alone. So, stop with the 19th century stuff about doing the right thing. Women have complete reproductive autonomy. It;s an even bigger dickish move, dare I say cuntish move to fucking LIE about being on the pill to get knocked up Or maybe shes just a fucking idiot and cant figure out how to follow the directions on a prescription bottle. It is quite possible to become pregnant on the pill. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. female Why you ask? Liberals only think of themselves. Not long-winded just a breath of fresh air and reason after the insanity in that letter. Baby, our apartment isnt big enough for a baby. And yes, women do use the laws to trap men into financing their lifestyle of choice (as a single mother). This is my question for you. His utter failure to own up to his actions is appalling. Stop being a whiny spectator in your own life. Its not yours to deal with. You dont get to badmouth this woman just because she wont get an abortion that YOU and your boyfriend want her to get. Your argument that consenting adults should never have sex unless theyre prepared to become parents neglects the fact that not only do we have the means to significantly reduce the risk of pregnancy, we have extremely safe ways of terminating pregnancies, especially very early on.